HellaBoss Guppy Kenote 2006

This is the keynote written for when Ferris was born in 2006. It is a play-by-play account of the entire time we waited for him to appear, and then after he was here. It’s an exciting (and at times, disturbing) read.

This keynote IS NOT FOR GUPPY NUMBER TWO. Jennifer hasn’t gone into labour for the new baby. I repeat, this is a pre-game catch-up from last time’s adventures.

Here we go!

2006.09.15 @ 06.00am - Niffer’s water breaks while reading Bizarro comic in newspaper. Niffer is not sure if her water is really breaking. Feels like she’s peeing.

2006.09.15 @ 06:30am - Niffer starts to really gush when she gets up to wake Mathew. Call is made to Celeste (our midwife), who is at someone else’s house. Substitute midwife calls and arranges coming over to the house after she gets dressed.

2006.09.15 @ 06:50am - Finish calling both mothers about water breaking. Niffer’s mom will not be able to use her advance tickets to the Western Fair. Extension is written down for Nancy’s work.

2006.09.15 @ 07.02am - Niffer lies down with the rest of the newspaper in bedroom as instructed by midwife. Mathew asks her if she feels lighter. Both feel her tummy - it is all baby now, nothing fluid.

2006.09.15 @ 07.05am - Mathew gets Niffer water bottle and puts on some underpants.

2006.09.15 @ 07.08am - Niffer has first real contraction, but it is small. Measures 0.5 on the richter scale. Mathew is sweating. Steve Jobs takes the stage.

2006.09.15 @ 07.12am - Mathew gets envelope from car for midwife (who isn’t here yet, OMG!) and gives it to Niffer. Envelope contains trace amounts of white powder and medical records. Upon further investigation, white powder is Mathew’s spilled Pixie Sticks.

2006.09.15 @ 07.15am - Mathew emails Niffer’s coworkers to tell them she’s missing one of their huge fundraising events today. Niffer thinks Guppy has the hiccups

2006.09.15 @ 07.40am - Midwife arrives. Checks heart rate of baby and Niffer’s temp. Everything is perfect. Mathew leaves the room to send emails and update keynote while they do an internal exam. He is such a squeamish boy.

2006.09.15 @ 07.51am - Midwife leaves. Niffer puts on granny panties and slippers. Rowr! Light contractions beginning.

2006.09.15 @ 08.09am - Gmail chat from Jeremy Allin comes in. Niffer calls Doula to tell her what time it is. Snap, snap, snap. We remember we haven’t put the baby seat in the car yet. And we have library books to return. And walls to put a 2nd coat of paint onto. And…

2006.09.15 @ 08.13am - Mathew calls into work to say he won’t be in today and wonders where the instruction manual is for the car seat, as they won’t let you leave the hospital without one installed.

2006.09.15 @ 08.56am - ~40 calls from family and friends later and Mathew is finished painting the 2nd coat on the baby’s room.

2006.09.15 @ 09.09am - Niffer and Mathew go outside to put in car seat since neither of us knows what we’re doing.

2006.09.15 @ 09.13am - Pink tinge to mucus. Niffer writes it down. Niffer tells Mathew to not “write that down on there!” Mathew explains it’s too late.

2006.09.15 @ 09.14am - Terri emails and says “Yikes, the crib mattress!” Mathew explains we’ll just be throwing down newspaper in a corner for the Guppy. All is good. Steve says iPod sales have never been better. New iPod introduced: iPod Aqua - totally waterproof iPod for growing fetuses. Thanks Steve, too late. :(

2006.09.15 @ 09.18am - Car seat trip hasn’t happened yet - Niffer goes potty.

2006.09.15 @ 09.38am - Melanie says she wants into the keynote. Mathew obliges after installing the car seat in the back of Jonas. He thinks that “there must be more to it than this”. Niffer says, “OMG! There is a car seat in the back of our car now!” Niffer answers 2 phone calls. Mathew thinks we should be writing down the number of calls. All he knows is that Niffer’s mom has called about 100 times.

2006.09.15 @ 09.50am - Light contractions continue. Odd lull in the air right now. Mathew begins to respond to email and answer more Gmail chats. Niffer is, surprise surprise, on phone.

2006.09.15 @ 10.14am - Niffer lies down on couch and turns on teevee. Oddly, “Bringing Home Baby” is the first program we see. Mathew takes Niffer’s library books back to the Carson branch of the library - only 2 blocks away, just in case.

2006.09.15 @ 10.18am - Niffer naps on the couch while Mathew begins to add phone numbers next to names on call sheet.

2006.09.15 @ 10.46am - Jobs intros iPhone. 50% of rumour sites shut down. With nothing to do, the rest take a 6 month vacation.

2006.09.15 @ 11.20am - Niffer is out like a shirt tail on the couch. I am watching 2 British ladies clean someone’s house. C’mon Guppy, where you at?

2006.09.15 @ 01.01pm - Niffer wakes up, her mother calls. Niffer has a shower. Mathew unlocks Runeman achievement in Prey on XBox 360 and has a shower of his own.

2006.09.15 @ 01.36pm - Mathew out of the shower. Niffer’s mom is over now. Brings Horton’s treats and macaroni cassarole. Niffer puts on a relaxing shirt and skirt and is up and walking and talking around with her moms. While drying off, Mathew thinks we should come up with a middle name. Bugsy is a great choice.

2006.09.15 @ 02.38pm - Mathew goes back outside to clean the car seat. Discovers it’s not in correctly. Ooh, a level! Neato. Comes back inside. Niffer is grimacing, counting contractions with her moms’ sundial. I think she bought it at the same place Linda got her camera from. ;) We’re going to wait until 3pm if we can - the contractions range from 10 to 5 minutes apart, but are not steady at all. Once they either get steady, or it’s 3pm, we’re going to call Celeste to give her a heads-up.

2006.09.15 @ 02.40pm - Mary is helping with middle names: Aqua for a boy, Buffy for a girl. Anyone else have ideas? Send them in to sparrow (at) hellaboss (dot) com! Garrett tosses Dingus, Toaster, Flapjack, and Harvard into the ring. Steve Jobs suggests Cube, iBaby, MacBaby Pro, and iPoddling (laughter from the audience). Jeremy follows Jobs with Whisk, Curry, and Soulhunter. My original middle name ideas were Thor and Che, regardless of the sex.

2006.09.15 @ 03.02pm - Last names for us are not very important. We are 50/50 between making the last name MacRae Hoy, or MacHoy. What do you suggest? Mathew once told a group of people he’d call it Lobstertrap if it came down to the wire.

2006.09.15 @ 03.10pm - Niffer sits in birthing ball, doing slow clockwise circles with her waist. Her mom continues to wash our dishes and get excited about the middle names coming in. Mathew answers email. If the last name is MacHoy, Jeremy suggests the middle name should be Real - as in, (the) Real MacHoy.

2006.09.15 @ 03.26pm - Niffer is having more contractions and feeling a bit sick after each. Her dad is on his way over and is bringing her some gingerale for sippin’. Mathew and Niffer just came back in after a walk around the back yard to look at the trees and get some fresh air. More ball-sitting now. More middle names just in: Dixie, Vegan, Keanu, Rasputin, Orca, Liberace, Global Warming, and Hybrid.

2006.09.15 @ 04.06pm - Midwife and doula are converging on our location. Contractions are getting closer and more intense. Niffer is kneeling on her ball, cooling down with a popsicle. After throwing up once, she feels much better altho Mathew almost threw up too. Mary F suggests Kameo for a middle name. Nancy calls and says she’s heading down now and should be here in an hour or so.

2006.09.15 @ 04.28pm - After an exam from Marie (the midwife) we are at 4cm (we were at 2cm this morning), thinning, and in good position. The heartbeat is beating like good crazy. As background: we are labouring at home as long as possible, then going to St. Joseph’s hospital (if we can get in - we have also registered at LHSC too).

2006.09.15 @ 04.38pm - Contractions handled by swaying together, her head in my chest. Aww.

2006.09.15 @ 05.02pm - Niffer is getting a reflexology treatment from her moms. Her dad left after fishing a pair of her underpants out of the vacuum and the cats are looking out the window like nothing is going on.

2006.09.15 @ 05.13pm - Mathew packs his laptop for the hospital and has some root beer. Niffer asks if I’ve heard from work. I have not. Things are quiet here as we basically seem to be waiting for more escalation before heading into the hospital.

2006.09.15 @ 05.27pm - Niffer has fruit punch Powerade and Mathew smears sonogram gooje on his forearm while pouring it for her in a tiny Guiness glass. Mathew asks Michael to mow his lawn. What a jerk!

2006.09.15 @ 05.37pm - Niffer is drinking more Powerade now because her keytones (not the same as ringtones) are high, meaning she’s low on sugar. Other than that, she’s rocking it out. Keep the good wishes flowing on in! We all like to hear them. :)

2006.09.15 @ 05.46pm - Mathew’s idea was to give Niffer yogurt. One spoonful was all it took before Mathew had to leave the room. :\ Mathew looks at the Guppy’s room he half-finished painting. The other half of the room is a rolling plain/wheaty field. So far, it’s looking good but he wishes he could finish it before the Guppy comes.

2006.09.15 @ 06.06pm - Nancy arrives from Goderich with 3 bags of food. Mathew rejoices. Niffer drinks Powerade.

2006.09.15 @ 06.39pm - Niffer and TWO midwives in the bedroom doing a checkup. Things are good so far. Contractions are getting closer and longer. We’re looking @ 1 minute every 5 minutes now. The doula says it’s go-time when we get to 1 minute every 3 minutes or so. Nancy and Maisie (Niffer’s ma) break into the tortillas and salsa Nancy brought.

2006.09.15 @ 06.48pm - Niffer is 5cm now after the midwife double-team. She’s doing great and handling the contractions like a pro. We are breathing together when she gets them, we inhale and exhale slowly together. Makes Mathew feel like he’s helping. Niffer’s keytones have plummeted back to normal levels after the Powerade. If you’re preggers, make sure you take some with you. Dr. Hoy recommends it. Steve Jobs is bored so he goes for a walk with a new green iPod nano.

2006.09.15 @ 07.07pm - Our birth plan includes labouring at home as long as possible. We’re about an hour away from any type of hospital visit. The midwife student is here and is listening to the Guppy’s heartbeat now.

2006.09.15 @ 07.32pm - Niffer sits on birthing ball with Mathew in front, doula behind, both putting counterpressure on her abdomen to open things up a bit. Nothing serious. Niffer thinks she might throw up. Mathew moves to the back instead of the front. Mathew is such a wussy boy. Mathew finds HellaBoss heart sparrow button they’ll tack to the Guppy’s outfit at the hospital to keep track of it.

2006.09.15 @ 07.36pm - Jobs is back. His turtleneck is sweaty. Maisie is on the phone to Niffer’s pa (JD). Nancy is providing counterpressure now and doing a great job at it.

2006.09.15 @ 07.59pm - Niffer is on all fours on the couch. Mathew is at her head. While Mathew wipes off her face she says he has a hole in the crotch of his pants. Mathew tells her he can see down her shirt. Another contraction while the Western Fair can be heard in the background.

2006.09.15 @ 08.22pm - Niffer alternates between standing next to the island we installed between it and the dishwasher, leaning onto her forearms with her head down and facing the fridge, to being on all fours on the loveseat with her face on chilled (from the fridge) cloth placed on the arm of said loveseat, while facing the fridge. You know in the animal kingdom, they call that presenting - which is how we got into this mess in the first place.

2006.09.15 @ 08.34pm - Niffer is tag teamed in the bedroom again, getting a how-do-you-do exam by Celeste and the student. Celeste comes out and asks for a cloth for her forehead. Maisie has been putting them in the fridge so they’re nice and chilled. A great idea. Celeste says we’re at 6-7cm now and things are fine.

2006.09.15 @ 08.40pm - Nancy’s bag of tortillas are 1/2 full. Or half empty, depending on how hungry you are.

2006.09.15 @ 09.07pm - Nicci calls from Toronto, and while Mathew talks to pop in P.E.I., Niffer gets sick. Doula applies pressure to her lower back during a really long contraction. She gets through it with flying colours. Mathew feels a bit ineffective, but is excited he can shave his head soon. Will they have wifi at the hospital?

2006.09.15 @ 09.18pm - It is getting harder to get Niffer to take deep breaths.

2006.09.15 @ 09.35pm - We are off to the hospital! See you later! :)

2006.09.15 @ 10.27pm - Arrival at the hospital in Niffer’s parents’ Honda Fit. Once in the room, Niffer throws up while the tub is filling up. Blood is taken from Niffer’s arm, blood pressure is also taken, as is temp. Everything is reading normal, captain. Sadly, no wifi and no immediate updates for the street team.

2006.09.15 @ 10.59pm - Mathew and Niffer spend time in the bathroom, trying to figure out how the tub works. Turn on the overhead shower head to spray her tummy and Niffer wants it turned off. Contractions are getting much stronger now. Mathew gets chapstick while Niffer drinks Powerade.

2006.09.15 @ 11.01pm - Doula (Rachel) is in the washroom with Niffer now. Mathew is in main room alone as midwives have gone down to the front desk for admin duties. Niffer’s mom and Nancy are here, in the waiting room. Word from up-top is that we are close so Mathew isn’t going anywhere. Celeste is helping student learn how the medical gear works. Mathew is thirsty again. He steals some gatorade. Ssh.

2006.09.15 @ 11.38pm - NIffer is on steel chair in room, breathing heavily, drinking Powerade. Man, she will be a spokesperson for that stuff after this! Niffer doesn’t want to be touched. The heating table alarm keeps going off every 5 minutes for no reason. A bit annoying.

2006.09.16 @ 12.02am - Niffer spends the last half hour with Mathew, dance/swaying in the middle of the room coping with contractions. Guppy is coming on the 16th! Sorry to Sharyn’s little man. Happy belated birthday!

2006.09.16 @ 12.35am - New bottle of Powerade started. Niffer gets another exam. Beeper goes off on heating machine again. Mathew’s shoulders are getting very sore from the dancing. Glad to be sitting to type. We are now at 8cm.

2006.09.16 @ 12.42am - Niffer goes on all fours on bed, facing the wall, on all fours in an effort to move the baby’s head towards her cervix more. Maisie begins reflexology treatment on her while in this position. Mathew takes a much-needed break.

2006.09.16 @ 12.45am - Celeste brings in a birthing ball she found in the hallway and goojes up the listen-stick to find out what the Guppy is up to.

2006.09.16 @ 01.50am - At 9cm, Niffer hits the bathroom. Mathew is exhausted and has nothing witty to say.

2006.09.16 @ 02.41am - By now, Niffer’s mom and Nancy have both lost their bets on when the Guppy would come out.

2006.09.16 @ 03.26am - Celeste artifically makes 9.5cm into 10cm and Niffer starts pushing! The Guppy is coming! The Guppy is coming! Niffer and Rachel go into the washroom to sit in a more condusive way for bringing out a Guppy. The rest of us wait in the main room.

2006.09.16 @ 04.05am - Celeste can see the head. It has dark hair but seems content on staying in the channel de bebe. The student listens every 5 minutes to the heartbeat for changes.

2006.09.16 @ 04.32am - Niffer goes on all fours on the bed and pushes with every contraction. The Guppy is coming soon, soon to be no Guppy after all! Now that Niffer is pushing with every contraction, she doesn’t seem to be in as much pain as she was earlier. Mathew and Rachael count down with her each time she pushes to help her time her pushes. Niffer is having trouble with actually having contractions: she doesn’t seem to have as many while laying down. To speed things up, she pushes during contractions while sitting on the bed. After each, she gets up and walks around a bit. She seems to get no further than 5 steps from the bed before another contraction hits. Without this act of getting up, she would have 1 contraction per 3 minute period. With standing, she can basically get them on-demand which is really helping.

2006.09.16 @ 05.00am - The new, after-labour midwife shows up to take over. But labour isn’t over yet so she and we wait. Mathew is having a hard time keeping his eyes open for the coming Guppy as he has been awake with Niffer for 24 hours.

2006.09.16 @ 05.28am - Niffer pushes and everyone can see the head! Everyone is giggling! After more pushing, it’s discovered that the Guppy has the umbillical cord wrapped around its neck twice. Being a playa, we discover it’s a fashion statement and nothing to worry about.

2006.09.16 @ 05.37am - Ferris MacRae Hoy is born! Niffer’s mom cuts the cord. The first time Mathew sees the cord, his first thought is, “that looks EXACTLY like the power cable to our tangerine iMac”. Guess who the geek was in the room - maybe the guy with the laptop?

2006.09.16 @ 05.49am - Mathew lifts up Ferris. He has a spot of poo on his nose! Niffer is bleeding like crazy. Everyone is a bit worried actually. Mathew holds a screaming Ferris while Niffer’s colour goes from pale white to transparent. The on-call O.B. is called into the room for help. He comes in and gives her a once-over. He removes some large internal clots and says, “You’ll live” and leaves the room. Everyone kind of frowns at his comment.

2006.09.16 @ 05.52am - Niffer holds him (Ferris, not the O.B.) while they ask her to extra-push to get placenta and extra goop out.

2006.09.16 @ 06.26am - Ferris still has poo on his nose, and has a cute hat that Mathew attaches a HellaBoss button to. Niffer gets some last-minute stitches to tie up loose ends and Mathew sits on a chair trying to catch his breath.

2006.09.16 @ 06.42am - Ferris gets a check-up. All vitals check out fine just fine. His cries sound like a squeak toy and he’s not interested in being quiet. He’s getting his temperature checked out. Ferris is 8.9lbs and a hairy little monkey. Mathew and the 2nd midwife check out his junk and lovely manly rump. He poops and pees on the heating table. Gooo Ferris! The poo is evil poo, like tarry molases. He has a cute bottom lip quivver that has all the ladies swooning. He has his mom’s fingers and ears and his dad’s chin and genitals.

2006.09.16 @ 07.44am - Ferris has something to eat for 25 minutes. Niffer and the midwife student (Chantal) work at getting the breasteeding latch up and running. Gramma Nancy and Gramma Maisie leave for home/food/sleep.

2006.09.16 @ 08.15am - Ferris, Niffer, and Mathew are moved from the delivery room down the hallway to a private hospital room. They meet their nurse (Shannon) and are left alone for the first time as Celeste and Chantal head for home and some sleep of their own.

2006.09.16 @ 11.37am - Ferris, Niffer, and Mathew wake up in their new hospital room and Niffer feeds Ferris again. Mathew calls a few people whose numbers he remembered to write down, and takes Ferris from Niffer when he’s done feeding to wrap him up, put on his hat, and give him back to her. Niffer explains to Ferris that he’s a vegetarian, and that she knew he was a boy. They are so cute together!

2006.09.16 @ 10.59PM - Long time since last update, the 3 amigos have been waving their pistols into the dusty sky. For reals, they’ve been napping hard all day, getting up every 3 hours to feed Ferris. In the afternoon, Niffer’s family comes by to visit and Ian brings flowers and a card for Ferris. Niffer’s dad tells a funny joke about circumcision and even the nurse laughs. Maisie takes Ferris’ hat home to let the cats get used to his smell before we bring him home. Mathew reads the Far Side comic book Niffer brought and Niffer wears sexy underpants from the hospital. Mathew’s sleeping cot is a pull-out chair that looks like a set piece from the Golden Girls teevee show. While Niffer has a shower, Mathew and Ferris lie in her bed together and nap for 10 minutes.

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the end of the Guppy Keynote 2006. Thanks so much for coming by and wishing us well. We appreciate all of the middle name ideas, and the last name suggestions.

Our Ferris street team (all of you) have really helped us get through this adventure. Every time I’d get an email, I would tell Niffer about it and she would always laugh. Thanks so much to everyone! Main thanks to the ever-awesome Niffer who did the entire thing without pain killers or an epidural. She said it hurt like blinking crazy, but she didn’t cuss at all during the ordeal or get upset with anyone. She and Ferris look amazing together and the nurses comment on how natural she looks breastfeeding him. I am so proud of them both.

PS: Yojimbo and TextExpander were used to keep track of events. I created a Text Expander snippet called Guppy Time. Each time I typed gtime, Text Expander would spit out the following code: %Y.%m.%d @ %I.%M%p - It would timestamp the post and add formatting code to make adding it to HellaBoss quick and easy. Creating it took only a couple of minutes. HellaBoss was updated using my homebrew CMS tool.

PPS: Update: I have posted some photos of the new baby on Flickr! Be sure to check them out and comment if you’ve the time!